3508 Days

Welcome! As I start this journey of self reflection, cautionary tales and new beginnings, I hope you find some inspiration and commonality. I'm just me. This is just my story. But it's quite the story and I wanted to share it. Enjoy!

Today feels like a new day. A day that I have been dreaming of for ... my whole life. I feel a sense of calm and a desire to share. I want to document this journey and remember how I felt before I changed. I am afraid and excited. Today is a new day.

3508 days ago, I felt like it should have been my new beginning. I had done my last line of cocaine and I was going to get better. I had been in the hospital with a near overdose just two months prior and I had reached my bottom. I could have died. I was checked into a mental institution by my family involuntarily for suicide watch and I couldn't live that life anymore. 

After going through treatment and working with my doctors, therapists and groups, I felt like I should be experiencing a new sense of self and purpose for life, but I didn't. I was proud of myself, but I didn't jump into my new found self with both feet. It felt like I was missing something and I was still alone. 

I felt ashamed for who people thought I was. For a long time I felt like I owed people answers and showed them that I am not their problem. When I reached out to talk, most did not want to acknowledge that anything had happened and life seemingly just went on for them. 

I moved on too. I hid a lot inside. I got married, I maintained my job, I had two children. I became focused on much bigger things and let myself, my pain ... slip away. 

Until the pain comes charging back with a plan of destruction! 

I plan to share quite a bit in this blog. The above is just what is on my mind today. I will talk about my ADHD, sexual assault, PCOS, difficulty conceiving, parenthood, substance abuse, recovery among all of the other facets of the rollercoaster I call life! 

Today is a turning point for me. I have dealt with a large part of myself. I was [officially] diagnosed with ADHD on Monday and I started my medication today. I have known for years that I have the disorder, but coming to terms with the diagnosis, well, was a lengthy and complicated road for me.

I have struggled a lot of my life, in many ways. But, I have also found a great deal of happiness. I have grown into myself in some ways, while leaving the other parts on the side of the road along the journey.

Today is about turning the car around, picking those lost parts up and rebuilding myself into the woman I know I am. I am a good person, with a huge heart. I am a proud mother with two amazing children. I have a brain capable of taking on the world and it starts today. With some work, day 3508 is a new beginning. And I will learn to like love the Stranger Inside of Me.


Location: Hamilton, ON, Canada

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