A Good Day

Man, does it feel like it has been so long since I've had a good day. With everything going on in my life, I haven't come out of my head in weeks. I have been obsessed with learning about ADHD and relating to as much of the information as I can. I have learned a great deal, but I have also only been thinking about it. I have read articles, joined groups, listened to podcasts and found Reddit. My goodness, Reddit is a rabbit hole, but it has an amazing amount of support. Any question or thought I've had, I've been able to find it on Reddit. Right now though, it's a long weekend and I've decided to take a break and spend some time relaxing. 

The first week of Vyvanse has been difficult. At first, I didn't feel much of an effect. Then, once I increased the dose, I felt worse. I was getting headaches and not sleeping. I read [on Reddit] that if you're too tired while taking stimulants, it only helps you to get to a state of awake and doesn't do much to help you focus. I feel like this is what has been happening to me. I don't feel much different, but given the lack of sleep that I've had, I'm more awake than I should be.

It has felt underwhelming. I wanted to be able to do. Do e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g! That hasn't happened yet. But, I should reward myself for what I have done. I reached out for support for continuing school, I started journaling and blogging (hey!), I have stayed on top of my daily tracking, started wearing my Fitbit again and I exercised today! Andrew and I bought a stationary bike to start out exercise journey. I aimed for 20 minutes, but did 10 (broken up) minutes. I do plan to finish the remaining 10 today, but I am out of shape and do not want to be too sore. Maddie and I stretched out together and it felt nice to do something active together. A lot of the time, the kids are outside playing, riding bikes or running around and I'm on the sidelines watching. I want to be a more active part in their lives. I plan to purchase an outdoor bike so we can get out in the world and explore this summer. I'm hoping to help my knees along because this past year I have noticed how strained and noisy they are. I hope it's not too late to prevent some major issues. 

I titled this entry, 'A Good Day' because today feels like a good day. The weather is not great, but I slept good, I am breathing easy, I have spent some time on myself today and the day just feels good.

I have shared my entries with 2 of my friends recently and received great feedback. I know this blog is not out in the world, and maybe it will never be, but it feels good to know that I am ok with my story getting out there. I am no longer ashamed of my life experiences, of who I was or who I am trying to be (or at least getting to that place). I am who I am, and it's getting easier to accept that as I get older. Sure, I need work, but I feel like I am finally in a place where I can put the effort in. I am less resistant to new information and have pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I was terrified of starting this medication, but I'm happy that I gave it a try. I have so much more work to do, but it's started. I have to be careful to not overload myself and try to enjoy the journey. I need to remember the mistakes that I have made and try new approaches. I pride myself in being open minded, but I sure can be stubborn at the same time. I have only one life to live. This is my shot to make it something. I strive to remove "I wish I had" from my vocabulary, because there is no going back, as much as I would like to sometimes. I don't want perfection, but at the end, I want to be able to say that I tried my best. Positivity is very hard for me when it comes to myself. I am very critical of myself and I am the first one to give up on me. I fall into dark holes of loneliness and regrets and I hope to forgive myself one day. 

But today is a good day. These are the days where I need to remember what it feels like to not be stressed and happy. Make a list, set realistic expectations and be easy on myself. Do my best, for myself and I think that's an excellent starting point. 

I hope you enjoy your good day.