Fences
I could of had it all. I had opportunity, but I did not have the proper tools. I struggled. I wanted to fit in, I wanted friends, I wanted to understand. Part of my problem growing up was that I didn't understand the same way that others did. I always felt older than the rest. I didn't build connections the same way. I didn't have parents like others had.
Now, let me stop here and insert some mid-30's wisdom here; I am not pretending to know what was going on behind closed doors at everyone's house. I can only speak for my own experience and explain how I felt. I also know, now that I have children, that sometimes what parents hope to provide for their kids, just isn't possible, and kids often see that as unfair.
But school was something else. I was an excellent speller. I could write and my cursive was impeccable. I was the tallest kid in my class for most of elementary school, so right off the bat I felt different. My family moved to a nice suburb, but we weren't the typical suburban family. My mom struggled between jobs and we didn't have the same kind of cars parked out front of our house. There were lawyers and doctors and police officers on our street. My Mom was unemployed and my Dad worked at Ford. We would have been considered lower middle class.
It was easier when we were younger. Living in a brand new subdivision meant that the houses were still being built and the best part was no one had fences. Our backyard connected to dozens of other houses and you could run freely throughout. Kids would gather together in the back and we would spend countless hours outside. If another kid wanted to play with you, they would knock on the back door, or yell at your bedroom window to get your attention. We all got along. Our parents were friends with our friends parents and it was a nice community.
Then, the fences went up. Neighbours wanted privacy or to install pools, which required fences. Their neighbour would then get a fence, but they didn't want only one side done, so like a domino effect, fence after fence was erected and the backyard community ceased to exist.
Something worth noting here is that throughout my childhood, my mother felt the need to protect me from pretty much everything that could possible be a negative influence. We were not allowed to watch: The Simpsons, Married With Children, Power Rangers or anything on Much Music/MTV. Any toy that may be deemed violent like water guns, nun-chucks, Power Rangers were not allowed. But the one influence that she considered to be the most dangerous, was our friends.
Before we moved, I had already had multiple kids on my street and in my JK/SK classes that I was not allowed to associate (play) with. Being so young, I never knew why, just that one day I was friends with a kid and the next I was not. I remember once incident when I was maybe 4 (?), I was playing out back with a neighbourhood kid and he kicked me between my legs and it hurt a lot. I of course was upset and went to tell my Mom. This kid, who was younger than me was told he could not be my friend anymore because of what he did. Poor kid.
Remember that movie, "Inside Out"? They talked about core memories and I believe this incident installed one of my first core memories. Without knowing it, my Mom created an outlet for me to get attention. Touching me between my thighs meant bad. It also meant that my mother would pay attention to and feel bad for me. I don't think I wanted to lose my friend, but I also know that the new kid my Mom just gave birth to was taking up my time with her.
Wow, this is a real-time epiphany. It really makes a lot of sense. As time goes on I will get into more detail about when I was a pre-teen and teenager, but I'm wondering now if I'm on to something.
Anyway, back to losing all my friends. As time went on, my Mom would find some sort of reason to take another friend away. And another. I felt so isolated. Was this her intent? Did she not understand that the more people she took away from me, the more that was negatively impacting me? Forget the Power Rangers, this was definitely hurting me way more.
It got so bad at a certain point that my family was not to associate with multiple neighbours on either side of our house. Even to this day, we don't talk to the 3 consecutive neighbours to the left. For what? And why? Of course I don't know all of the details, or care to honestly. But through my years of managing I've learned that if you have the same issue time and time again with different people; maybe the manager is the cause behind the problem? If we were to apply the same thinking to my Mom, maybe the common denominator is her ... ? #foodforthought
I did have friends throughout school, but there was always a risk that it was not for long. And that worry rang true time and time again. I was constantly in a battle with my mother and presenting my case as to why I deserve to be friends with so and so. Sometimes I won, sometimes I didn't, but as I got older, I tried to get smarter. I wasn't getting what I wanted by being honest, so I tried lying. I almost always got caught (as kids do), but this drove a large wedge between my Mom and I. I wanted her to understand that I was struggling to feel accepted and that she was the main reason for it. But she wouldn't have it. As my brother and I got older, she got angrier and less willing to reason. What she said went and there were no "ifs, ands, or buts about it".
My Dad worked, a lot. My memory of him as a kid was that he was either working, sleeping or drinking while watching TV. To this day, I do not have much of a connection with him, and it hurts to know that. I've seen great sides to my Dad and from the pictures I've seen of us together as a kid, we looked like we had a good time. I wish I had my Dad throughout my life. I think I felt like I lost him when my brother was born. My Dad was big into sports and he connected much more with a little boy. I got to try ballet and ringette, but it was short-lived. I wasn't ever allowed to commit to something. It was another one of those giveth and taketh away things. My brother however, got to do the sports. He got to be a part of a community and have friends outside of school. He got to go to hockey practice and baseball games and he got to be really good at something. Sure, I had Girl Guides. I loved it, but I would never admit it. It wasn't what the "cool girls" were doing. They were playing soccer. Why wasn't I playing soccer? Why wasn't I worth the effort?
Again, I will take a moment to provide a parent perspective here. I cannot speak to my parent's financial standing at this point in my life, so I don't know the reason for a lot of their decisions. I only wished that I had been a part of one or two of these conversations so that I could express myself.
As I write this, a lot of unexpected pain is surfacing. I know that I have a great deal of pain buried inside and I am now only just beginning to understand my life, my actions and my consequences. I want to learn forgiveness and I want to gain happiness.
When the time comes for my husband I to buy a house, one thing I hope to find for our kids, is a house with and endless backyard, and no fences.
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